PSL - For Archie, Set After 4a

[amicustenebris]

With a kind of numbness that he hadn't felt since he cast Belle out of his castle and destroyed half his collection, Rumpelstiltskin made his way to civilization the very same night he was sent away. Once he hit the interstate it was not long before someone pulled over to offer help to the hobbling man, who looked like he'd wandered from a wreck. The stranger said they'd seen an abandoned car down the way a bit and offered to get him into town to call a tow truck.

He took advantage of his good fortune and was quickly able to access food, an ATM, a cane, and finally a place to collapse and eventually rent a car the following morning. He had thoughts of what he would have to do to figure out a way back over the town line. He understood the magic at work there, knew he could only go back in if summoned back in. But already the scheming began. Belle didn't understand his motivations, and he'd been incapable of correctly explaining. That was all there was to it. Part of him believed if he could say it right, if he could make sense of it all himself -- if he could just convince her that all she'd seen never meant he didn't love her? Then he could fix everything. Then he could be home with his wife, able to visit his son, able to walk and use magic.

He tried to call her from the phone in the motel. No answer. He tried a few times. There was an answer once. He couldn't speak.

Gold haunted that little hamlet outside of Ogunquit for a few days, with limited access to the internet or contact, just hoping he'd find some loophole that'd let him back in, afraid to wander out too far lest he lose his chance.

As far as he knew, Belle never caught on that he was calling. If she did, then she was patient. She stayed on the line longer than she needed. Spoke, and waited. Spoke. Then said goodbye. He couldn't work out why he could never say anything back, or even beg forgiveness. He kept doing it, knowing he couldn't stop himself crying afterward, knowing it was going to hurt every time, because he'd gotten so used to hearing her in the morning when she woke. And now when he called just to hear her it came with apprehension, certainty he'd hear that litany of accusations all over again, but he needed to. Maybe if he did speak, if he did let her know it was him, and he allowed it to happen, she might see he was sincere. She would forgive him. Remember she loved him. He would hand her the dagger and be her slave, be everything Zelena wanted him to be for her if that was what it took.

But he couldn't even bring himself to do that. It took him days to figure out why. That was when he headed south.

His rental car died just inside of Vermont. There were questions about his license. He switched to travel by bus from there -- crowded (good that he was traveling light), slow as sin -- he saw far more of the state than he really ever cared to. It felt ridiculously long for where he was headed, given how short a trip it had been by plane, but he didn't know if he could handle flying again. Not alone.

In Manhattan, the first place that he tried was Neal's old apartment, of course, and he did not expect to find it occupied -- by the Queen's married beau and his family, no less. They offered to leave it to him, which he declined. After a cursory search of the place, he found one or two familiar baubles, things his son held onto from his childhood all these years, somehow, things from their world, and he pocketed those, feeling an uncomfortable tightness that told him to get away, and he left as quickly as his legs could carry him.

Marion seemed especially keen to convince him to stay, at least until he found better accommodations.

He didn't trust it. He got away.

Crossing out into the evening air, he felt a rush of pent emotion and memory. Unkind words said in this very place. Hook's attack and his near death.

Then his actual death.

Then Neal's.

He went numb.

Comments

[contocricket]

"Yes, I did. I saw firsthand how much you cared for one another. And I can see that you still care for one another and that both of you have been hurt and are reluctant to face one another after everything that was said and done. But I also see that neither one of you has completely given up. You may have left the divorce papers for her to sign, but you haven't contacted her once to verify that your marriage is over with. And it's obvious you're not seeing anyone else. You're in limbo just as much as she is. Why not try?"

[amicustenebris]

"I haven't contacted her because I don't want to see her, and I should think that's been made very clear. I also have little interest in forcing her hand. Why should that be suspect?"

[contocricket]

"Then if it's over, look her in the eye and tell her. Make it final so she can close the book on that chapter in her life and sign the papers."

[amicustenebris]

The amount of effort that came of just -- keeping oneself buttoned up. Knowing that every reaction, anything so much as a twitch would be scrutinized. It made him itch.

"She already made it final. I'm not the one that threw her out."

[contocricket]

Archie sighed and shook his head. He'd gotten pretty much the same reaction from Belle. At this point, he'd tried. It was all on them now, one way or the other.

"Okay."

[amicustenebris]

"Did she send you?" No, he didn't actually want the answer to that. It didn't matter. Just as likely as not, she certainly didn't send Archie after him over the town line, after all. "...Unless I say otherwise I do not care if you tell her about our discussion today."

Which was about as sure as anything else that he had not been allowing him to say any more than what he would be okay with anyone else knowing.

He almost said that he didn't want to hear about any talking they were doing, however. Did it need to be said? Did he want it to be?

[contocricket]

"No," Archie told him honestly. "I came because I was worried about both of you, but you're both adults. How you two move forward with your lives is your business. Setting boundaries is normal and usually healthy, but based on what I see, the boundaries you two are setting up are having adverse effects on both of you." He gave a self-deprecating roll of the shoulders. "I'm not good at standing by and watching others hurt themselves. Just ask Mary Margaret when I saw her struggling with baby Neal."

[amicustenebris]

Gold still hadn't turned to look at him but the reaction was immediate and visible when Archie said that name. A movement in his head and his hands like someone catching themselves at the last moment. Something sharp stuck in his craw that wasn't the sort of thing you weren't supposed to complain about.

The sort of thing that shouldn't affect you when you're fine.

"No. ...No I suppose you never were."

[contocricket]

He saw that, and it set off alarm bells since he didn't know what he'd said or done that had garnered that reaction.

"Gold?" His brow furrowed with concern. "Did I say something wrong?"

[amicustenebris]

"No." He finally put away a glass he had wiped down several times by now. But now he could get the subject off of him. "You really ought to get a better handle on that impulse of yours. By now you know people will take advantage."

[contocricket]

"Which impulse in particular? I've got a lot of them that people could take advantage of." He gave another self-deprecating shrug.

[amicustenebris]

"You gravitate toward people you find pitiable. You always have." And he wasn't going to dig into that heavily. But he remembered what kind of parents he had; it would not surprise him to find out they were the sort to feign hurt in order to guilt him when other forms of control did not work.

Their world was littered with two things in particular when it came to families: orphans and bad parents. Full families and good parents were both rare.

[contocricket]

"I don't pity you or Belle," Archie explained. "Pity's pretty useless overall."

His parents had preyed on Jiminy's sense of empathy, had turned it into a weapon against him to force him to do everything they wanted. They were old, and he was their son; they needed him to take care of them. Every time he so much as thought about being on his own, they guilted him right back in line.

"I just know that when things get tough, it's nice to have someone at least offer a hand to help. Empathy, not pity."

[amicustenebris]

Rumpelstiltskin occasionally traded with the family. He knew enough to understand their ties to certain threads of fate he was following, but he also knew that the less he dealt directly with the parents, the better. Indifference was the easiest to work with, but giving the Dark One reasons not to like you was never a good forecast for a good deal.

"When so many offer it just to watch you fall when they take it away, that quickly stops being something you trust, unfortunately. Too many people are far too comfortable failing that test."

[contocricket]

"Understandable," Archie said. "There are a lot of people out there who don't just fake needing help but offering it."

His parents' "Elf Tonic" came to mind.

Without thinking, he reached into his pocket to pull out a quarter which he started rolling over his knuckles. It was a trick his father had taught him when he'd been incredibly young. He hated that skill among others he'd learned from the man, but it helped keep his hands busy when he was reminded of the "good" old days.

[amicustenebris]

"You don't have that in you." Gold didn't think so, anyway. But then, he didn't think Belle did either.

[contocricket]

"Yes, I do," Archie said softly. "I used to do it all the time, remember?"

Even if he'd raised objections to it, he'd still gone along with his parents' scams.

[amicustenebris]

"A yes in the absence of one's ability to say 'no' is not a real concession," he said with a kind of heavy recognition. "I said you don't have that in you. That came from outside."

[contocricket]

"Agree to disagree," Archie said as he flicked the quarter into the air, caught it, and put it back in his pocket. "I had enough of something in me to attempt to murder my own parents, after all."

[amicustenebris]

"Everyone has that." Gold set a coffee pot on and going. "I'm not saying every murder is justified. But humans are just as likely as any other creature to lash out when enough is enough or when no other avenue feels apparent."

[contocricket]

Archie gave a small noncommittal hum. Perhaps Gold would see for himself that such a thing applied to him, too.

In any case, Archie didn't believe that his attempt was justified. Particularly after it cost Geppetto his own parents.

[amicustenebris]

Sad thing about engaging with magic out of desperation: it counted on you making mistakes. Missing things. Forgetting to ask the right questions.

Movement out of the window caught his eye when he turned. A flock of ducks landing near the water.

"If we're going to discuss open wounds in a nonprofessional sense, it might as well be a shared experience. Quid pro quo and all that." No sense in only one of them being uncomfortable. "But I've lived long enough to know many, the good and bad. Bad people don't carry a lot of guilt over hard decisions."

[contocricket]

Archie followed his gaze to look at the ducks. "That's fair."

After all, Gold knew more about his story than anyone else aside from Geppetto, Pinocchio, and Henry. It was only right the man be able to push back.

"Good people don't swallow their consciences until they finally do something so awful that they can't ignore them anymore," Archie countered. "I knew what we were doing was wrong, that we didn't need the money, but I went along with it. Patted myself on the back for things like 'We only scammed four people at that village! Their neighbors will be able to help them easily!' It took me over a month to catch up with Geppetto because I didn't leave right away. I walked with my parents for hours until I told them I'd had enough. And then I kept walking with them because they were right: I had nowhere else to go. If I went and confessed, I was going to be hanged. If I decided to run away, I'd be on the run for the rest of my life. The only reason I became a cricket was because I finally made the right wish for Blue to answer."

[amicustenebris]

It was hard to consider arguing, as it was neither the place nor the time, but Rumpelstiltskin had a hand in his fate (and also hated the mendacious Blue with the fire of a thousands suns) and Mister Gold had been a lawyer. The desire was powerful on several fronts.

But he also realized, ahead of that anxious confusion that anyone was telling him this much of anything, that Archie was obliging what he proposed. He was being open. He was trusting him.

His first thought was of course that it was misguided. But it was something traded and felt correct.

"Irredeemable people don't have consciences at all, Doctor." Because he wasn't a good person, not by a long shot. But guilt ate him from the inside on the regular. "I saw the life you were living. I don't have a full understanding, but I know enough to know what kind of people your parents were. And again, you were in a desperate situation. That doesn't mean you had much of a choice, and people like that will do whatever they can to convince you that you don't have one at all. ...Needless to say, if they ever came to my door to sell anything personally, they likely never would have made it to parenthood."

[contocricket]

Archie bit back the "Sometimes I wish they hadn't."

Sensing his pet's thoughts going in dark directions, Pongo got up to press his head against Archie's thigh. The man reached down and began scratching at his ears.

"You know what's strange? As awful as my life was under the Curse...I miss it."